Today I shall be mostly having inpromptu luncheon parties.

Thoughts drifting inwards:

I'm just giggling at your entry

I assume this refers to my whittering about dating, not any other sort of entry. Moving swiftly on before those of you with dirty minds begin to get intrigued...

Girlie clothes? more details needed. Does this mean skirts?

It tommorrow and still no word of how you found yourself in Next? Caz (who has to buy a girlie dress before Aug)

It does indeed mean skirts, or at least, one skirt, plus jacket and top. What make this skirt even more girlie than any other skirt that I own is that it is short. Well, not short in most people's eyes, but by my standards it's miniscule. All I need now is some courage to wear it in public!

A couple of weeks ago, my sixth form assured me that internet dating was the way forwards. "You should try it, Miss E: it's free to sign up and it's sooo funny," said one girl, and - because it was a Friday morning and nearing the end of the lesson and the topic was particularly boring - I let her continue. It was nothing to do with my desire to know more about the whole thing, you understand, because (as you will all know) I am by no means desperate. Of course not. I have more social engagements than an engaged person who is very social. Honest. Moving on swiftly...

I decided that there may be a modicum of truth in what my sixth form said and asked around those who know about such things; the results of my survey were quite promising, and the advice offered was very useful. With this in mind, I decided to sign up. The site I'd chosen let guests have a look at a few profiles, to whet the appetite as it were. There were no obvious weirdos in the sample, so - feeling reassured - I took the plunge and hit the "Join now!" button.

I thought it would be quite straightforward: after all, how hard can it be to write a bit about yourself? I was wrong. The first hurdle was choosing a user-name. This says much about how people would like to be perceived, and possibly says more about their personality than they would care to reveal. Let's face it: what would you expect from someone if they call themselves "Sexy_chick" or "Horny_grrrl"? You might as well call yourself "Over-inflated_Ego" or "I'm_Really_A_Minger". Thinking of a suitable tag for myself was almost impossible. After all, I suspect I'm unlikely to get much interest if I'm called "Cynical_Git" or "Desperate_Teacher". And whilst I may attract attention if I go down the physical description route ("Massive_Knockers") I suspect it may not be the sort of bloke I'm quite looking for!

Eventually I decided on something suitable, breathed a sigh of relief and clicked on the "Next" button. I then had to enter information on a variety of topics, using little drop-down lists. "Phew!" thought I, "Much easier!" Oh no! Height - fine; age - no problems; employment and income - a doddle; appearance - ah. The options available were "average", "attractive" and "very attractive". Now, call me cyncial if you will, but you can guess what I'll be thinking as I search through the profiles - "very attractive" is likely to translate directly to "arrogant" while "average" may as well be "minger". The only option has to be "attractive", so that's what I chose, regardless of how true it is or isn't. (And - on a related tangent - do people really have much idea of how attractive they are? Isn't it all a tad subjective?)

The final part of the sign-up process involves a blank box, with the instruction "describe yourself and your ideal partner". No longer are there helpful little drop-down lists wtih options to select; the only helpful suggestion is "Get this bit right - it's the most important bit"; no pressure, but the page is a blank canvas just waiting for your pen picture. Aaargh! What to write?! Something pithy and unconventional; words portraying my eloquence and wit, and my modesty too. In the end I compromised:

I like: being busy; lying on the sofa; trying new things; ordering the same meal each time; my job; my free time; being with friends; being alone; walking on hilltops; sitting in pubs; raucous laughter; quiet smirks; being me; life. I'm not so keen on: whingers; apostrophes in the wrong place; possessive partners. The above is an official entry in the "Crappest Personal Ad Competition 2004"

Not bad for 5 minutes' thinking gone midnight when all I wanted to do was go to bed. So that was it - the trap was set, the bait had been laid: now all I had to do was wait.

It didn't take long.

I'd had no intention of paying any sort of fee, but then the first email arrived: "you have 2 new messages" Excitement!! The only drawback is the need to pay to read them. Pah! Unable to bear the suspense any longer out came the plastic, and a moment later the messages were there on my screen.

hi.i am quite shy till i get to know someone. i like 4x4 vehicles and exploreing the countryside in them.i am also interested in the wiccan religion& like visiting stone circles & megaliths.

Hey how u doing? we seem to have same intrests, i am from derby , but work in notts, i love going out, walking and being outside, and keeping fit and going to cinema too and 10 pin bowling and play fottie to but like lots cuddles 2, :-) i am 26 male and i drive, mail me back if u like the sound of me, i am not looking for perfection just sumone to make me complete, is that you? come on mail me back its valatines day xxx

My heart sank. Given my pedantic fastidiousness about spelling and punctuation, it seemed I was destined to failure. How to reply without causing offence?

"Thanks for your message but you are clearly a fool who hasn't bothered to read my profile in depth."

Hmmm.... maybe not. Try again:

"Has no-one ever told you how annoying txt-speak is in proper writing? No? Then let me take the opportunity"

Again, unlikely to be a winner. Instead, I have to confess, I just ignored them. Youch. Luckily, the next few messages were properly spelt and punctuated and the whole thing seemed much better. Of these, and of profiles, more next time - I have to go and lie down in a darkened room now to recover from writing such an epic. Sorry, eyes!

I was going to write, in depth, about my experiences so far with internet dating, but I was kidnapped by aliens, dragged round Ikea and forced to buy girlie clothes in Next. Tomorrow, I promise you...

Claire's doing some encouragement:

74 miles to go and only the second half of term to do them in!! Go for it Love CMT

I did another 3 miles on Sunday, but even so I've got one hell of a lot of walking to get done. Eeek! Better get my boots on! :-)

The weekend started in fairly conventional fashion with lessons and a parents' meeting, but the kids all ran away at lunchtime, leaving me free to spend the afternoon playing pool, drinking beer and feeding money into the jukebox like there's no tomorrow. It was good, as was the evening's curry and conversation, and the Sunday lounging. Last night was spent at a colleague's for dinner, and then back here for drinks, deep'n'meaningful conversation and a lazy Monday. A fine start to the holiday, methinks!

With reference to my new box o'er there (I assume!):

Spiffy. Looks exactly the same as before. :)

Indeed it does: I have talented friends! Only four lessons, one parents' meeting, one sleep session and lots of tidying-up to go before it's the holiday: let the good times commence!

Why is it that I get hungry after drinking? Right now I could devour a horse and all its stablemates. Also its unstable mates too.

Chocolate monitor?!! What a quality job! :)

Indeed it was.

hope your bum thaws out

Luckily it has; thanks for enquiring!

The box o'er there used to be powered by some free webhosting thingy but it caused all sorts of confusion, and so Tim has kindly written me a new one and very whizzy it is too. I bow down in homage to his spoddiness. Apparently it's going to cost me 6 beers per year; I reckon that's a bargain!

Today was the day of the school's annual Steeplechase, which in a world without euphemism would be known as "the evil cross-country race over very muddy fields which the bastard sadist teachers make you run, while they stand on a corner near the end and shout out cheery encouragement. Grrr." Last year I was chocolate monitor; this year I got to be one of the sadist teachers lining the route. It was all good, clean fun, but my bum still hasn't thawed out.

In the department we have a system of observations set up so we all visit another teacher and watch one of their lessons. I had a colleague in my Upper Sixth lesson this morning, and we were talking about strategic planning for businesses, using McDonald's strategic direction mapping technique: all very exciting stuff, as you can well imagine. I decided to use supermarkets for my example. Just imagine the scene: the outline map is projected on the board; I'm taking each supermarket in turn and marking it in the appropriate position on the map; I'm waving my arms round energetically; it's all going really well. And then my braincell explodes. I get confused and forget how to speak. I refer to Lidl and Aldi as "Addl". Bugger.

This is my second early morning in a row. Bleurgh!

I've been letting things slip a little of late blogwise. I haven't been able to bring myself to write about the inspection; I've got comments stacked up and not replied to; I've been a bit crap all round, really. I have, however, now regained my inner balance and poise* and am feeling up to it once more. Sadly, there's a large pile of marking to be overcome first, which is growing at what seems like an exponential rate. I promise you: once that's done, I'll be a bit more diligent.

* Some of you may be surprised to discover that I have poise and balance, but I do. They're just very well hidden.

It's been a good day: lounging in bed reading; getting passport photos that look vaguely recognisable; listening to a concert by some phenomonal string players. Sadly, this schedule hasn't included any marking as yet, so that's my evening occupied!

The best-laid plans, and all that. Hey ho!

Am feeling a little more invigorated today: slightly less nondescript and slightly more positive. Tonight, I break free and head off to the Big Bad City of Brum for a bit of a boogie; tomorrow I intend to spend all day in bed recovering!

I suspect I'm ailing for something. I've had an opened bar of Dairy Milk on the kitchen table for three days, and have been able to eat no more than three squares without feeling sick. It's a bad sign when my chocolate tolerance drops... how will I get through my marking now?!

We're in the middle of an inspection into care standards at school. It's all a bit much to write about but I'm sleepy-tired and feel like a deflated balloon.

It's been an amusing day. Hectic, mind you, but amusing.

Amusing thing number 1:
One of my GCSE classes created some quiz cards at the end of last term: a Business Studies question and answer on one side; a non-business question/answer on the reverse. We'd done a business question and I turned the card over to read: "What is Miss E's first name?" You should have heard the answers, even after I gave them the initial:
Me: It begins with an M
Them: Madge?
Me: No!
Them: Maggie?
Me: No!
Them: Margarietta?
Me: No!
Them: Eurm... Miss?
Me: Noooo!
Them: Matron?
Me: NOOOO!
(I had to tell them in the end, just so we could get back to the excitement of ratio analysis)

Amusing thing number 2:
There was something. Honest. I just can't remember what it was. I suspect it have something to do with renaming certain ratios as the Current Bun and the Roast, but I'm not quite sure. Poor lil' braincell! I really must go to bed. G'night.

Words that get up my nose:

alot
payed
companys

Grrrr....

(I'm not even going to mention apostrophes and semi-colons)

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be... late-night marking, helped by tea. Admittedly it's not late at night just yet, but I suspect it might be by the time I'm through.