Planet Mad

A couple of weeks ago, my sixth form assured me that internet dating was the way forwards. "You should try it, Miss E: it's free to sign up and it's sooo funny," said one girl, and - because it was a Friday morning and nearing the end of the lesson and the topic was particularly boring - I let her continue. It was nothing to do with my desire to know more about the whole thing, you understand, because (as you will all know) I am by no means desperate. Of course not. I have more social engagements than an engaged person who is very social. Honest. Moving on swiftly...

I decided that there may be a modicum of truth in what my sixth form said and asked around those who know about such things; the results of my survey were quite promising, and the advice offered was very useful. With this in mind, I decided to sign up. The site I'd chosen let guests have a look at a few profiles, to whet the appetite as it were. There were no obvious weirdos in the sample, so - feeling reassured - I took the plunge and hit the "Join now!" button.

I thought it would be quite straightforward: after all, how hard can it be to write a bit about yourself? I was wrong. The first hurdle was choosing a user-name. This says much about how people would like to be perceived, and possibly says more about their personality than they would care to reveal. Let's face it: what would you expect from someone if they call themselves "Sexy_chick" or "Horny_grrrl"? You might as well call yourself "Over-inflated_Ego" or "I'm_Really_A_Minger". Thinking of a suitable tag for myself was almost impossible. After all, I suspect I'm unlikely to get much interest if I'm called "Cynical_Git" or "Desperate_Teacher". And whilst I may attract attention if I go down the physical description route ("Massive_Knockers") I suspect it may not be the sort of bloke I'm quite looking for!

Eventually I decided on something suitable, breathed a sigh of relief and clicked on the "Next" button. I then had to enter information on a variety of topics, using little drop-down lists. "Phew!" thought I, "Much easier!" Oh no! Height - fine; age - no problems; employment and income - a doddle; appearance - ah. The options available were "average", "attractive" and "very attractive". Now, call me cyncial if you will, but you can guess what I'll be thinking as I search through the profiles - "very attractive" is likely to translate directly to "arrogant" while "average" may as well be "minger". The only option has to be "attractive", so that's what I chose, regardless of how true it is or isn't. (And - on a related tangent - do people really have much idea of how attractive they are? Isn't it all a tad subjective?)

The final part of the sign-up process involves a blank box, with the instruction "describe yourself and your ideal partner". No longer are there helpful little drop-down lists wtih options to select; the only helpful suggestion is "Get this bit right - it's the most important bit"; no pressure, but the page is a blank canvas just waiting for your pen picture. Aaargh! What to write?! Something pithy and unconventional; words portraying my eloquence and wit, and my modesty too. In the end I compromised:

I like: being busy; lying on the sofa; trying new things; ordering the same meal each time; my job; my free time; being with friends; being alone; walking on hilltops; sitting in pubs; raucous laughter; quiet smirks; being me; life. I'm not so keen on: whingers; apostrophes in the wrong place; possessive partners. The above is an official entry in the "Crappest Personal Ad Competition 2004"

Not bad for 5 minutes' thinking gone midnight when all I wanted to do was go to bed. So that was it - the trap was set, the bait had been laid: now all I had to do was wait.

It didn't take long.

I'd had no intention of paying any sort of fee, but then the first email arrived: "you have 2 new messages" Excitement!! The only drawback is the need to pay to read them. Pah! Unable to bear the suspense any longer out came the plastic, and a moment later the messages were there on my screen.

hi.i am quite shy till i get to know someone. i like 4x4 vehicles and exploreing the countryside in them.i am also interested in the wiccan religion& like visiting stone circles & megaliths.

Hey how u doing? we seem to have same intrests, i am from derby , but work in notts, i love going out, walking and being outside, and keeping fit and going to cinema too and 10 pin bowling and play fottie to but like lots cuddles 2, :-) i am 26 male and i drive, mail me back if u like the sound of me, i am not looking for perfection just sumone to make me complete, is that you? come on mail me back its valatines day xxx

My heart sank. Given my pedantic fastidiousness about spelling and punctuation, it seemed I was destined to failure. How to reply without causing offence?

"Thanks for your message but you are clearly a fool who hasn't bothered to read my profile in depth."

Hmmm.... maybe not. Try again:

"Has no-one ever told you how annoying txt-speak is in proper writing? No? Then let me take the opportunity"

Again, unlikely to be a winner. Instead, I have to confess, I just ignored them. Youch. Luckily, the next few messages were properly spelt and punctuated and the whole thing seemed much better. Of these, and of profiles, more next time - I have to go and lie down in a darkened room now to recover from writing such an epic. Sorry, eyes!