WHOOOOOOOOO!!! Have finished teaching for this term - no more classroom based activities until January. Bdoing! This afternoon will be spent sorting out the House and chivvying along the girls' packing; this evening sees me stuff myself silly at the end-of-term House Supper and then shock my colleagues as I appear in the pub wearing a dress. Tomorrow I sleep!

This evening I took one of our 13 year old girls from the House off to hospital. As they admitted her, the Sister in charge turned to me and said, "Are you her mother?"

Youch. Thanks a bundle.

Words of solace about my absence drift in:

You've missed the b*gg*er being down more often than not in the past couple of days.

Ah. That at least explains part of the confusion: I'd seized the muse (at which point she slapped me and I had to let go, but that's another story...) and was about to launch forth into a diatribe about the price of kumquats or suchlike, when the pooter refused to let me. Pah.

Also in:

Mad, Hugh isn't impressed with you telling every one that Sarah Norton story, he he he. If only he knew that I was doing the same. Love Aims xx

He might just know now, seeing as I've just let it slip on the interwebnetmalarky. Whoops! :-)

Having a bit of a bloggage blockage. Inspiration flittered past the window an hour ago, but the damn thing flew off before I could grab it and make it into words. Normal service will be resumed yada yada drone.

On the cusp of being old...

It's a beautiful evening. I walked home across the playing fields, tucked snugly inside my coat. The air was so cold it hurt to breathe in; the grass crunched under foot, glittering in the light of the moon. The sky was a deep, sensuous blue: indigo brushed with whisps of cloud. Stars hung, suspended diamonds. The silhouetted buildings stood black against the sky and against the distant, glimmering street-lights; a hush fell. I realise that I love this village, this job. I have friends near and far, new and old. I feel comfortable in my skin and with my place in the world. I am at peace.

I am grateful for many things.

The weekend was spent procrastinating, in the most stylish way possible of course, in an attempt to avoid writing my Lower Sixth reports. Instead of slaving over a hot desk on Saturday evening, I headed off to Cannock for an 80s party. Shoulder pads, leg warmers and dodgy makeup had a certain appeal, but instead I decided to go as someone in their 80s.... the nasty, itchy, turquoise polyester dress went beautifully with a salmon pink cardigan, red headscarf and brown handbag, stuffed - of course - with Werther's Originals. Pictures of the ensemble should hopefully be available soon (although whether I dare to publish them is another matter!)

I'd intended to return home on Sunday morning, spend some time recovering from the 2am bedtime and then get these damned reports written. Pah! How wrong I was! Instead I went to the cinema and then an advent carol service (I'm dead good at prioritising, me!) so didn't finish reporting until 1am this morning. I was then up at 6.15am to get the final set finished and sorted out. Bleurgh! Now I'm spaced out on too much caffeine, frozen from umpiring netball and gently contemplating having a nap. Excuse me while I wibble.

eeeurk

(and that's all I have to say about today so far - and, trust me, I've seen a lot of it already)

This is just beautiful: a visual thesaurus. (found via meish.org)

Today's Lucky Threes:

• Three supermarkets - Sainsbury's in both Burton and Derby, then Tesco's
  
• Three types of cakes
  
• Three free lessons - spent writing reports, doing marking and generally being feckful
  
• Three groove-tastic CDs, packed in one handy box - School Reunion: The 80s
  
• Three funky dance moves - hastily cut short when I realised that the curtains were open and everyone could see in

I'm now waiting for my sticky toffee pudding to cook. Although this delays my bedtime somewhat, it does give me more opportunity to sing-along-a-the-80s and get in training for tomorrow evening's 80s party. Just be thankful you're not here!

Tom writes:

That's understandable, then. As for gnomes, what about "garden ornaments", or perhaps you could take an example: "Today class, you will meet the man in my life," produces gnome. Tom

I like your style. However, they'd all faint with shock at the news so I'd have to spend the next 10 minutes checking they'd all recovered! Hey ho!

I intended to have an early night.

Instead, I wrote some reports then went to the pub.

Whilst there, I laughed. I laughed until I cried and slapped the table in amusement. My tummy muscles (such as they are) hurt from laughing.

I haven't laughed like that in ages. It feels good.

I went to university when I was 18. Within 8 weeks of arriving, I was elected as JCR Treasurer. For the next 4 terms, I managed all of the financial dealings of the college's student body: a turnover of around £80,000 each year. I was very focused, generally organised and able to think through problems logically and quickly. I could take on a huge number of commitments and organise myself to be at the right place at the right time.

Now, however, I seem to be incapable of quick thought. I feel woolly-headed and easily overwhelmed, I faff, I deal badly with deadlines. I'd love to go back in time to visit the 18 year old me, to give myself advice. "You only get a fixed amount of feck in a lifetime," I'd say. "Don't use it all up now. You're going to need it in 8 years' time when writing reports."

Don't know what agony is? How old are these kids? Tom

15, but the girl in qustion's a Russian who lives in Greece; tackling language barriers just makes my job more interesting! It does cause problems, though, when trying to find examples of businesses that will be familiar to all of the kids in the class. I also have problems when using a favourite worksheet of mine, entitled Gordon's Gnomes, which recounts the tale of my A-level geography teacher (Fat Old Al) who had a bloke called Gordon making gnomes in his garage, in order to flog them at car boot sales... how does one go about explaining what a gnome is?!

It's time for a late night round of the House, and I hear talking coming from a juniors' room.

Me: Why can I hear talking in here? It's eleven o'clock.
Her: Sorry miss - I was just asking a question.
Me: About what at this time of night?!
Her: What's meant by 'agony'?
Me: Deep pain. It's what you'll be in if you don't shut up and go to sleep NOW.
Her: Oh.

Wibble.

It's been a day of contrasts, a veritable rollercoaster of emotions - mundane teaching; an unexpected visit from an old friend; a soul-destroying discussion about a pupil's exam results; IM chats which made me laugh out loud and now the lustful extravagance of nutella. My braincell can't cope: I'm off to bed!

Here's one for the pedants out there. Just check you get your apostrophes in the right places!

'Tis the season to be jolly to write reports. Pish.

Go and play the Caption Competition over at pajLog. Mua-ha-ha!!

The smut continues with this little question from one of my lower sixth form:

They test normal condoms by blowing 25 litres of air into them. How do they test the taste of flavoured ones?

It has been a day for innuendo and smut. Luke's favourite advert was one for penis extensions, Eddie's going to work as a quality inspector in porn films (he liked the idea of self-inspection) and Lyddy decided that the toilets in Virgin trains were the right size for a quickie. And then...
"What would happen if you had a baby, Miss?"
"Well, a star would appear in the east and three men on camels would come to visit."

I'm not sure i can stand the excitment much longer. Off to teach and be sensible (oh yeah!)