Am in the middle of what is just another manic Wednesday: breakfast duty, teaching, meeting, teaching, lunch duty, teaching, outdoor skills session, tea duty, junior pub quiz, evening duty, lock up. Luckily it's the last one for a few weeks - I'm on holiday this time next week, hurrah!!

Confrontation of the day (just to prove that life here's not all cushy):
[The scene is set in one of the school's large rooms, where Junior Pub Quiz is taking place. There have been 7 questions in the first round so far - we're about 20 minutes into the session]
[door opens and boy strolls in]
Me: Come here
[boy saunters over]
Me: You're late. Explain.
Boy: Well, I was clearing up from tea.
Me: Yes?
Boy: Someone stole my blazer
Me: And you stink of cigarette smoke because...?
Boy: Well I've just had a fag.
[other 25 pupils in the room look on in open-mouthed amazement]

Why don't kids realise that setting themselves up like that a) gives their teachers no option but to respond with punishment, and b) makes them look a total fuckwit in front of their peers. What's worse is that this school is not geared up to cope with kids like this - his behaviour would have seemed quite normal at my last school, but here it sticks out like a sore thumb - and he won't be treated in a way that will help him to get out of the crime/punishment cycle. It's really frustrating. Off to eat some chocolate fingers in an attempt to calm down.

Fatso update: looking very fat and cute and has yet again enthralled the visitors to my flat. You wouldn't believe how much a mini-kiev covered in fur can make grown women go gooey. Frightening.

Today I wrote another class set of reports (only 4 more sets to go), introduced a colleague to the delights of blogging, received an email from a random reader and cooked lots of pancakes. I love cooking pancakes. It's the only thing I can cook without setting fire to the kitchen (c/f here) or causing an almighty catastrophy. There were 8 of us, with a disproportionately large number of toppings - all yer bog standard ones, plus bananas, raspberries, cheese, jam, marshmallows and copious lashings of nutella. Yet again I feel slightly on the stuffed side. Hurrah!!

Update of life on Planet Mad:
Reports written: 2 sets
Reports still unwritten: 5 sets
Time remaining until the report deadline: 2 days
Chocolate ginger biscuits eaten in past 30 minutes: 12

Feeling a tad sick now. Ho hum.

Am drowning in a sea of reports and marking. The only glimmer of hope on the horizon is the knowledge that by this time tomorrow I will be surfing on a wave of pancakes.

Technology. Pah. How I hate it. The printer has refused to print out my reports. All it's printing is line after line of code. It's probably because of all the nasty things I wrote, although no dialogue box has popped up to confirm my suspicions. Grrrr.

Report writing is dull, but occasionally satisfying. Today has seen me writing such classic phrases as:

I get the impression he would like to achieve a good grade this summer, but he has not always worked with the dedication necessary to achieve the desired result.

He has shown no urgency or concern about his work this term, and has not made effective use of the class time earmarked for coursework. In the last week he has managed to produce some appropriate work but I am concerned that this will be too little, too late.

and

His mock exam result was pleasing, but I feel that he has not shown 100% commitment to his work this term and is becoming complacent about his progress. Most lessons have been spent doing coursework, and too often he has been happy to sit back and procrastinate. This means that – whilst he will undoubtedly get a perfectly adequate mark – his coursework result will not reflect his true ability. He needs to ensure that this does not happen with his revision as well.

Oh, I'm such an evil bitch queen. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!

Despite the delay, the weekend's been good and has revolved around lots of food and drink, therefore keeping me more than adequately happy. Am now alone again to continue with reports, marking and general mooching through the Sunday papers. I've also got to think through the logistics for Tuesday's pancake party, seeing as I've invited more people than I have plates/glasses/spoons, which was a bit of an oversight on my part. We may all be eating with our fingers at this rate.

By the way - if there's anyone in the Derby area who fancies a pancake or 7 on Tuesday then feel free to drop in: I promise that I'll have found some more cutlery by then!

Trains. Engineering work. Delay. Grrr.

Sex goddess put on hold.

I was defeated by technology not once but twice today - the video player in my classroom's playing up, much to the entertainment of my classes who are now convinced that I'm a Luddite. Based on today's performance, that seems a fair judgement to make. I'm now going to spend the next 90 minutes writing reports in a manic attempt to hit Monday's deadline without sacrificing too much of my weekend. I'm then pick up the bloke from the station and spend the rest of the weekend being a sex goddess. Except, of course, I'm not sure I can do the second...it's one of those roles that I don't get to fill very often: drinking partner - anytime; comic sidekick - no problem; sensible and responsible one - has been known occasionally; sex goddess - you're joking, right?! Guess I'd better learn very fast.... :-)

Compared to other days this week, it's been quite quiet today. Taught 7 lessons, ate a few chocolate ginger nut biscuits, went to Sainsburys, served tea in the House, did Guides, went to a friend's party, came home for a quick spod and blog and then bed. Maybe not that quiet after all. In addition, today saw The Great Tidy-Up continue, with the kitchen (including contents of fridge) coming under scrutiny. Out went the empty packets that used to contain ginger nuts, out went the empty wine bottles, out went the three bottles of milk that were started at different times but never really finished. In my manifold and great mercy, however, I did spare the random carrot lurking at the back of the fridge - it will appear in Fatso's food bowl before long.

Christmas Chris arrives Saturday afternoon. Am excited yet nervous. Really need to sleep, but suspect I won't be able to. Trauma. Will just have to carry on tidying up instead. Pass the duster...

Am too drunk to hit the right keys. Going to bed. Will write tomorrow. G'night.

Drink with bubbles. Food with smoked salmon. Now on duty - far too giggly for own good. Managed to do convincing teacher act for 6th form, but cracked when it came to A block (year 10, or 4th year in old money) and am now committed to a plot that involves dressing a guitar case up in clothes and passing it off as a member of the lower sixth. Ah. I am truly the consumate professional.

Honest.

Inspectors gone. Feedback given. Sigh of relief and big smiles all round. Wine and nibbles start at 6m...bring it on!!

I've done so much tidying up today that I've discovered vast tracts of floor that I never knew existed. Old letters, odd socks and a small indigenous tribe have all come to light in the last 24 hours. A team of anthropologists have moved into my bedroom to study the life and habits of these odds-and-ends. The socks, they have decided, are definitely solitary creatures: they show no tendency to form into pairs, preferring instead to lurk alone in corners and under cupboards. The indigenous tribe are proving more troublesome. Uprooted by the destruction of their natural habitat, they are quickly becoming a small indignant tribe and are now seeking shelter in the bathroom (one of the few areas not yet hit by manic tidying) while seeking some form of compensation through the legal system. Concerns about their future are, however, unfounded. By this time next week, chaos will have descended again and piles of marking will be scattered once more across the great rolling plains of Planet Mad. Until that moment, it's quite nice to have a tidy flat.

Too late. Ginger biscuits all gone. Desired level of sogginess not reached. Harrumph.

By the way - my ginger biscuits are still crunchy. I'd like them to be soggy. If I'm not careful I'll have eaten them all before they reached the desired level of sogginess. Pah.

Didn't manage to cause any more upset today: good thing. Managed to sound intelligent and responsbile at a Scout/Guide meeting: good thing. Drank 3 gin & orange juices: good thing. Had a lovely chat with 2 colleagues - this insepction is really pulling us together: good thing. Have to get up early tomorrow morning and do some photocopying: not good thing. Guess you can't win everything all of the time.

5.32pm. The phone rings on Planet Mad. I can tell it's an internal call from the ring tone: obviously a colleague - probably Kate or Ian. Which unconventional answering style to use? I decide on "Bonjour".

"Hello Madeleine."

Deep male voice - who could it be? He continues...

"Or should I say Bonjour? It's the Headmaster here."

Ah. Whoops. Double whoops.

It's just been one of those days. And it's not over yet.

Well - that's it. All three official lesson observations done and dusted. Thankfully it all went well, although I suspect that I am now a candidate for the Memory Loss of the Year Award 2003. Why? It goes something like this:
[the scene is Mad's classroom, full of attentive 6th form who have just worked really hard all lesson. At the front of the classroom is an inspector who has looked vaguely interested for most of the lesson]
Me: Well, you've all worked very well this lesson. Next lesson we're going to look at law, and how it affects businesses. There are four main areas of law that will affect a business; those areas are employment law, health and safety legislation, competition law and...eurm... Well, I know that there are four areas, but I can't remember the last one. Aaah.
[Inspector smiles and makes a surreptitious note]

That's me in trouble then. Pants.

A final thought before retiring gracefully to bed (if such a thing is possible). There is a limit to the amount of stress that one person can be put through. I know one colleague who has worked continuously today from 4pm until 10.30pm at least (if not more) and is still stressing about tomorrow's lessons. Me: I've admitted defeat graciously, and have done nothing work-related since 4.30pm. I suspect that I'll be the one still smiling at the end of the week.

Other than dunking them in tea, of course.

How do you make ginger biscuits go soggy?

Day one of I-week done and dusted. One lesson observed, two more to go tomorrow. I've been so relaxed today that I've started singing again: whether this is a good thing or a bad thing depends on how musical you are! This is the first day in weeks that I've felt "back to normal" - if such a thing is possible - and it's been great. Today I've taught, run netball, played in string orchestra and managed to drink in two of Repton's finest hostelries. I lost convincingly in my first game of snooker (despite a 40 point headstart!) and then raised a few eyebrows by shouting "YES, YES, YES" whilst carrying out a victory lap of honour for potting a red ball (my only pot of the evening) in the second game. Got to go and read blogs. More later. (Only coz I can't co-ordinate reading and typing at the same time - too much of Mr Pedigree's finest, methinks!)

Just in from school's Taize service. The simplicity of the service really appeals to my inner minimalist, what with the silent reflection and the chants that seem simple yet contain such complex harmonies. Guess I'm just a sucker for haunting tunes.

On a slightly more mundane note, I've met the inspector who's checking our department this week. I'm being observed once tomorrow and twice on Tuesday, and he's not watching any of my icky arrogant "I'm a spoilt sixteen year old with an attitude problem and far too much money" classes, so that's even better!! To top it all off, my horoscope this week says

This week should be more calm than the last two. You get a chance to pick up the pieces and reorganize any aspect of your life that seemed to have become unglued by recent events.

That's a relief!! :-)

This week I shall be mostly teaching ratio analysis to my GCSE groups. I will be using real figures from two of my favourite companies: Cadburys and Thorntons. I contemplated using examples from the accounts of alcoholic beverage manufacturers, but - given the potential presence of inspectors - have decided against it. This rational chain of thought worries me. Perhaps I am growing up.

Went back to bed, so have managed a total of about twelve and a half hours sleep!! I feel FANTASTIC!!!!!! Shame I've got to waste this lovely afternoon on marking, tidying, ironing and general preparation for I-week. Sigh.

My first Sunday morning lie-in for 6 weeks has just been destroyed by someone phoning up and asking for a document to be emailed to them urgently. Bastards.

It's been another manic day here on Planet Mad: school all morning, then off to Derby for a Guide thang all afternoon and evening where I met up unexpectedly with a friend from Durham. Highlight of the day: leading the audience participation singing for 1,000 people. Lowlight of the day: tiny Rainbow holding my hand then bursting into tears. Apparently it was because she didn't get a chocolate, not an expression of her feelings about me. Given my success rate with small children, I suspect otherwise.

How old would you think you were, if you woke up one morning and couldn't remember?
Quite a poser, that question. Once upon a time, when I was young and had my own teeth and hair, I was able to stay up night after night. I could be found in bars, pubs, clubs and - on odd occasions - in the spod centre manically trying to research and write an entire essay between the hours of 11pm and 9am. Yesterday's little adventure into Late Night Land has made me appreciate quite how old I am. Those carefree days of all-night parties followed immediately by 9 o'clock lectures are rapidly fading in the distance, and soon I will be making a request that no-one phones me after 8.30pm, as I will be tucked up in bed with a good book and a mug of cocoa. However, those days are not here yet and I will be fighting kicking and screaming before I join the "growed up and sensible" brigade.
I reckon I'd be about 18 or 19.

It's jut gone 4pm and my brain is fried. Given the lack of sleep, today has been remarkably successful, but I'm starting to flag now so I'm off for a nap. I'd better walk home first though - I suspect that sleep-induced dribble on my department's computer keyboard will not make me popular.

Late night marking. Pah. Should be fast asleep by now, but have drunk so much tea that I'm destined to spend most of the night staring manically into space and will finally wake up in the morning with an evil caffeine hangover. Oh well - it'll make tomorrow's teaching interesting...

Late night musings - serious content alert
It is rare that I am completely honest. Not - I hasten to add - that I pathologically lie or fib deliberately. If I do sometimes stretch the truth a little, it's done to make people laugh. My dishonesty (such as it is) arises from the veneer of happiness that I hide behind, choosing to keep my thoughts and worries to myself by presenting a blase face to the world. It's not often that I admit to feeling anything other than confident and happy, even though I may be a squirming bundle of nerves or very upset. Now, however, I am feeling sleepy and incapable of pretending any more, and I admit that I am worried about next week's inspection. The advance party of inspectors descend in two days' time, followed by their cronies on Monday, and they will be in school until Thursday. I am scared that they will see beyond the facade and realise that I am not very organised, am worried that I will not get everything prepared in time, am petrified that they will realise that I am a fraud. I can tell that I am worried because I have stopped smiling, because I am less patient than normal, because I no longer sing at every possible opportunity. I usually live for each day, but I can't wait for next week to be over. I hate living like this.

Y'know that floaty feeling you get when you've drunk a few pints and everything is a bit blurry but not spinning excessively? I've got that now. Shame it's a school night.

Twice in the past 24 hours I've been mistaken for someone far younger than I actually am. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. After all, I'm no longer look young enough to blag cheap cinema tickets, yet I may still have to endure the embarrassing discussion that goes something like this:
Me: A pint of your finest beer, please barman.
Barman: Do you have any ID on you?
Me: Eurm - no.
Barman: Why not?
Me: Because I don't have any.
Barman: Why not?
Me: Because I am 26, I left university long before the millennium celebrations, and have been a responsible professional for over 4 years.
Barman: Whoops.

A reader writes (how exciting - I've always wanted to be able to start with that phrase...!!)

Searching for yourself on Google is the first sign of madness, you know. But then I suppose someone with your name has an excuse.

Well, that's me in trouble then. I won't admit to knowing the fact that if a google search of UK sites for Mad scubber leads straight to a most frightening picture of me with hang-over eyes and early-morning hair. Such is the price of fame, y'know!

My horoscope for the coming week:

How many more interesting weeks can you cope with? You seem to have been having one after the other for quite some time now.

Too true, and now I'm very tired. Off to bed, methinks. G'night all.

Hectic life on Planet Mad this weekend, consisting of SSAGO, SAGGA, school, GaSCiT 2003, Sainsburys, Pizza Hut and the cinema. These are arranged in order from most dull to most exciting. Two things worry me about this list. One - it is VERY long, given that the list only covers a day and a half, and therefore implies that I do too much. Two - although the cinema is allowable excitment (I watched Two Weeks' Notice and enjoyed it a lot), the other entries in today's Top Three were rated so highly because they involve food. There is obviously nothing more exciting in this teacher's life than the opportunity to stuff her face with nosh!! No wonder the education system's on its knees!! Of course, the other thing that strikes me about this list is that every single organisation/event/business/thing has its own web presence. I'm sure there's a highly philosophical line of thought to be taken here, but I've not really got to grips with it all yet - I'm off to do some baking. (See - food again!!)

Valentine's Day. Ick.

Tidbits from Googlism (and some thoughts about them):
mad is bad
mad is totally mad
mad is turning 50 later this year - news to me. Bet it'll be a bit of a shock to my mother too.
mad is a place where everyone is accepted - yup - have reached real lows of desperation: the only criteria now is that the man breathes!
mad is not bad - cf #1
mad is in great shape for this time of year - normally her bottom's much bigger in February!
mad is not one of a kind - feel sorry for the others who are like me
mad is now actively seeking to expand - oh yes - bring on the food!!
mad is a fun game
mad is open to card - Visa, Mastercard, AmEx...you name it, I'm open!
mad is currently unavailable - unless you're a man that breathes.
mad is not ideal - as many men across the country will no doubt tell you
mad is 3 - bit of a shock: thought I was turning 50 later this year. Would rather be 3 than 50
mad is the best - who can argue with that?! ;-)

Early one morning, long before the sun got out of bed and the cold light crept between the curtains, the alarm sounded in her bedroom. She rolled over, hoping to snooze until the last possible minute. Then she remembered the job she had to do. She sprang from her bed, quickly dressed and headed out. A brisk walk through the near-deserted streets took her to her destination. Stealthily she unlocked the door, and slipped inside before anyone saw her. She knew that her reputation would be in tatters if anyone saw, or even suspected what she was about to do. However, it had to be done. She'd procrastinated for long enough. She glanced at her watch; it was just gone 7a.m. She sat down, put on her glasses and took out her red pen. "Ah well," she thought, "Let the marking begin...."

Today, I...
Slept - a good thing.
Collected - one Amazon delivery that was being held for me at the village Post Office. Another good thing.
Shopped - for milk, eggs and stuff, intending to bake.
Baked - nothing. Ran out of time. Good job I bought ready-made biscuits as well as the ingredients.
Marked - one class set of work. This is good, although another 6 sets of marking still remain undone. This is not good.
Ho hum.

Half term has been and (almost) gone. Just one more day of freedom before the daily grind starts again. So, what's been happening?

The last three days have been a veritable culinary voyage of discovery, with meals eaten in Liverpool, Bishops Stortford, London and Cambridge (in that order!). I've caught up with some old friends and met some new people, talked about serious issues and then silly things, felt happy and now I feel tired, but above all I feel relaxed. Bet that feeling won't last long though!!

Highlight: Hard to choose, but probably Monday evening in a bar near the London Eye (le date chaud, mais oui!)
Lowlight: losing the carrier bag containing new CDs, a book and post-it notes. I must have put it down somewhere in London during Monday evening, but I have absolutely no idea where it is. Anyone nicking it will have a nasty shock though - the CDs are not just classical music, but classical viola music, and the book's about economics!! The post-it notes were - admittedly - in the shape of a speech bubble and therefore very cool, but could easily be obtained without the associated stress of discovering that you've nicked recordings of someone playing the viola!! Serves 'em right!! :-)

Am contemplating doing something radical. Trouble is, I don't know what, exactly, to do. I have a lovely 3 week window of opportunity (i.e. holiday!) coming up, but have no idea what to do in it.

Part of me would like to return to Italy, and specifically to Verona (which is my favourite city). It's beautiful, compact, friendly and has the most fantastic bar called the Rivamancina where they serve the most fantastic cocktails: it's a local bar not a tourist bar, so even better for that authentic Italian feel.

However, most of me longs for somewhere slightly more off the beaten track. I might just go here and pick a country that sounds exciting. Here maybe, or here. A jaunt here would be nice, but sadly I don't think the credit card would stand it.

Perusal of Lastminute.com has found over 1,500 package holidays (like this one in Goa) that fit my criteria - how on earth am I meant to choose?!

Suggestions on a postcard please.

Only one night, 4 more lessons and a parents' meeting to go before exeat starts, which in any other school would be called half term. Quick - crack open the wine!! ;-)

Have been doing a credible headless chicken impression for the past two days, culminating in a treble-booking yesterday evening. Work progresses as ever: a mixture of marking, preparation, teaching and pastoral care. Today was the annual steeplechase - an innocent sounding yet deceptively nasty cross-country race, where finishers are awarded points for their house. This means that the kids spend all of their time trying to find an excuse to get out of it, whilst the housemasters and mistresses, constantly after more silverware to add to the house trophy cabinet, spend their time rounding up the shirkers and forcing the fake-invalid whingers to get off their arses and out into the mud. Needless to say, us sadistic teachers have no intention of running, and so merely stand around to watch the limping, muddy, and - on occasion - bleeding children return to the school, offering smiles, encouragement and chocolate. Yes - that's right: they made me the chocolate monitor. What a great job: endless gratitude from your customers and all the chocolate you can eat! Hurrah!! :-)

tired.

busy.

happy.

BTW, snow is falling at last! And it's sticking. I get no better feeling than the happy surge of joy caused by seeing falling snow. Probably a good job I don't live in the Antarctic, or I'd be Mrs Blissed Out.

Roadworks block the main route into the village from the A38/A50. This means that the morning rat race of commuters heading off to work in the nearby towns have been diverted, and I no longer get to gloat in their general direction as I enjoy my five minute walk to work. I used to commute 30 minutes each way whilst in County Durham (unless stuck behind a tractor, which happened more often than not!) and I quite enjoyed the drive as it gave me time to plan my lessons (in the morning) and completely unwind after teaching Daniel Pritchard (in the afternoons). Now, I just get to stagger home carrying armfuls of marking... it's the closest I get to exercise from one week to the next!

What a day. I've spent a lot of time trying to organise my Guide district, and I expect that it's going to absorb a lot more time and energy before it's finally sorted and running as I want it. It's a small district (only 5 units) but it's not had a 'real' district commissioner for over a year, so there are all sorts of loose ends to sort out. Two out of the five units are having problems with their bank accounts, and I've spent a lot of today on the phone trying to find out exactly who's got which cheque book and the location of each set of accounts. My head hurts.

Mind you, I've also planned my half term (London, complete with le date chaud avec le bon Chris), done a couple of sets of marking, written all of my internal reports for the juniors, plus one set of internal reports for the sixth form, supported the school's First XI boys' hockey team in the county championship (we lost on penalties), did chapel, lunch and tea in the house, wrote to some people, spoke to my dad, sorted out some GaSCiT stuff and... um... something else. I think. To be honest, it hasn't felt like a particularly productive day, but when it's all written down it looks horribly impressive. And this was my day off. Is it any wonder that I'm single - after all, when would I find time to have a boyfriend?! ;-)

Philosophical alert - she's been thinking again! You can tell there's marking to be done on Planet Mad!!
The other day, whilst browsing in one of the CD shops in the bustling metropolis that is Burton-upon-Trent, I found myself feeling bereft that I had not recently induldged in one of my favourite pastimes, namely the purchasing of recorded music. When I lived in Darlington I practically lived in HMV, and now I don't get out much so I never have the chance to acquire new choons. Whilst pondering this thought, I then realised that I had been indulging, but in a new and (some might say) slightly less exciting way. After all, does buying CDs on Amazon count as really buying them? Consider it: you don't get to handle the boxes, to read the inserts, to wander round the shop with a selection of six CDs that are all eligible for the four for twenty squid offer trying to decide which ones to reject. You don't even have the pleasure of buying albums at random because you like the cover, only to discover when you get home that you've made a bloody good choice and are now the proud owner of a CD that will remain in your car's CD player for the next three months (as happened with Mr Scruff's Trouser Jazz). Mind you, the excitement of getting parcels does cancel some of this out, and I will therefore continue to flex my plastic in the direction of the internet late at night when I've drunk slightly too much to remember exactly what I ordered, if only to keep my postman in a job. (I'll let you know how the purchases turn out when they arrive!!)

On another tack:

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile. Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away I let mine out, and chatter all the while. I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day Is any day that's spent without a friend, With nothing much to do or hear or say. I like to be with people, and depend On company for being entertained; Which seems a good solution, in the end. What Poetry Form Are You?

Apparently I would be a cywydd llosgyrnog if I wans't a terza rima. So there you go!!

Have just remembered why I do this job. The sixth form came round after they'd been out to bar, so we've spent the last hour and half just sitting and chilling in my flat. Grooves provided by this album, drinks courtesy of Mad's drinks cupboard and entertainment provided by Fatso. A good feeling pervades.

Whoops. Spoke too soon. One girl's parents want her to fly back to the Ukraine immediately, another has gone missing, two more left a tap running in their bedroom and the water has come through the floor into the corridor below. It never rains but it pours. Someone remind me why I do this job?!

Blimey. Today's productive things: meeting washing up - done; cleaning out hamster - done; tidying up - semi-done. Mind you, it's Saturday evening, I'm on duty in the House all weekend so there's no chance of nipping out for a beer, I've got piles of marking to do, GaSCiT stuff has kicked in with a vengeance, my Guide district is falling apart around my ears and I'm still the snot monster from hell. It's going quite well, all things considered.

Entertaining moment of the day (so far!):
I have just been discussing the business cycle (booms, recessions and so on) with a sixth form business studies set, and we talked about products that would/wouldn't really be affected by a recession. In pairs, they came up with a list of products that fell into each category, and then wrote them up on the board. When discussing the list a few minutes later, I discovered that someone had put Durex in the "wouldn't be affected much" column; with a look of deep thought on his face, another boy said, "Couldn't you just use toilet roll?" It took some time for us to work out that he was talking about Kleenex!! :-)

On a slightly sadder note, I read from other blogs (such as here , here and here) that there is snow out and about, yet we have none. In fact, it's bloody cold, but not a hint of the white stuff drifting downwards. Mind you, this article reports on the inevitable excitement caused down south, and contains this FANTASTIC quote: One motorist told BBC Breakfast News that he had only moved two miles in 10 hours and had had just two pasties to sustain him. Two pasties. Exciting travelling companions, no?!

Scandalous suggestions and scurrilous accusations!!
In my inbox today I found one of those emails where the sender answers lots of questions about themselves, and hopes that you'll fill it in for yourself and then return it. Upon reading through, I discovered the final question reads as follows:
33. Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond?
Mad... she'd be too busy blogging!
Mrs Johns - I'd like you to note the time of this post, and the time of my reply to you. I rest my case!! ;-)

Other news today:
Taught some lessons. Went to Sainsburys. Ate some christmas pudding. Drank some port.

Blimey - my life's exciting.

Scandal and outrage have broken out in the House. The prefects caught one of A Block (that's Year 10, or 4th Year in old money) using her phone after the permitted time, and so confiscated it, as per the rules; if you'd heard the outcry you'd think that the culpret had been made to clean the toilets with her toothbrush! The pupils here can become so focused on their own petty litte arguments and mishaps that they lose sight of the big picture. Sometimes I long to tell them all to get a proper perspective on life, but I suspect that this would not be a politically correct thing to do. Professional dilemma of the day: how does one counter the argument of "I know she broke the rules but it's not fair that she gets punished" without saying, "Tough, kid - that's life. Learn it and become a better person."?

Today's course was quite interesting (for a course about teaching!) and the food was great - loads better than the usual Wednesday lunch eaten with the girls here in the House! I then rushed back to Repton, helped to serve tea in the House, ran Junior Pub Quiz (which is both quiz-like and for juniors, though sadly not in a pub) and I'm now grabbing a couple of minutes before going on duty for the evening. One of the main issues arising from today's course was time management and saying no. For those of you who know me well, you will appreciate the problems that I have saying "no"!! (especially if the offer involves food, alcohol, holidays, rampant sex with complete strangers.... and such like!!) Seems I'm destined to be busy!! ;-)

Met the rest of the Guide division tonight - several looked at me suspiciously in a "who's this young upstart?" sort of way, but as I was the youngest by at least 20 years it was - to be honest - no surprise. I'm afraid that I don't even fit into the big-bottomed, curly grey hair District Commissioner look. At least, not yet. Mind you, the big-bottomed bit may well become true if I continue to eat as I did this evening: garlic mushrooms, followed by brie, potato and courgette bake, followed by baked cheesecake, followed by coffee. Hurrah for food!! :-)

This afternoon, my netballers beat a team from Leicester in a 23-5 win in a match that only lasted 23 minutes! Yippeeee!! Tomorrow I'm off on a jolly (ahem again - meaningful professional development course) so have now got to decide what work my darlings should complete in my absence. Sometimes I think these days out are more trouble than they're worth.

On a more positive note, I've decided to hold a party to celebrate the end of the inspection - anyone who's in the area and free on the evening of Tuesday 4th March is more than welcome to drop in for a pancake or two (it being Shrove Tuesday and all) and no doubt a glass or two of something vaguely alcoholic! Better go and get my lessons sorted... (yawn)

D'you know something? This time yesterday I had all the windows in my classroom open, letting the warmth of the sun in and the smell of the brats out. Today, it is throwing chunks of ice out of the sky and I am stuck here in the staffroom because I refuse to walk over to my classroom if it's pissing it down. However, my free period (ahem - non contact time) is swiftly drawing to a close, and I'm going to have to face the rain after all. Whinge.

My jaunt to the Legion was hampered only by feeling ill and a fear of dripping snot onto the baize. The first red ball I hit went straight into the pocket, but sadly it was downhill from there on, although I did manage a couple of lovely snookers (unintentionally of course - there's no element of skill in my snooker playing!!!) No sign, though, of the James Bond of the Animal World.

The computer teething problems continue, and for a panic-stricken moment this evening I thought that I was totally without a functioning internet connection, which given that I had not one but two modems before the upgrade was a bit of a blow. Luckily, restarting the computer seems to have done the trick, and I'm now happily back online, and able to waste time in a skillful marking avoidance manouvere!!

String orchestra started again today, and we sightread a great piece of modern music for string quartet and string orchestra, but given that I was 50% of the viola section, I sill ended up playing a solo part all evening, which inspired one or two moment of terror... think I'd better practice before next week!! Anyway, off to the Legion to play snooker now...

Well - it's been an eventful weekend here on Planet Mad. Most important was that my 'pooter went on a trip to my brother's house, and has come back with all sorts of new bits'n'pieces, including a new operating system. It's no good asking for details though, coz I didn't quite understand what he was going on about - I just used the smile and nod technique. The main problem that I've found so far is that my landline modem isn't working anymore, so I'm spodding this at 9.6Kbps via my mobile phone... it's VERY slow, sob sob! Oh yes, and my bro managed to delete the entirety of ALL my emails - I'd been saving them away for the past three years, so I was probably due a clean-out, but it's also meant my address book going AWOL too. Please email me your addresses. If you want to, of course.

Having been denied computer-based time wasting, I've spent much of today tidying up. This has been quite a monumental task, but when a colleague dropped by this morning and exclaimed at great length over the artistic arrangement of the junk spread across my hallway I knew that I couldn't postpone it any longer. Harrumph. Still, he did go and buy me some Cold & Flu tablets later on, so he's forgiven - I've turned from Space Cadet to Snot Monster in the space of 24 hours, so the pills will come in very handy.

Other exciting news: hamster activity level has been very high, so Fatso has obviously not died yet. He (who is probably a she, according to one of my pupils today) even managed to climb out of the cage, into the box of hamster treats and was then very confused: too much food to get into pouches at one time, nowhere to hide the food, so instead (s)he decided to sit on it. An inspired decision, I thought. From Fatso's point of view, there was only one flaw in the plan: his bottom was not big enough to cover all of the food, so he perched precariously on the pile of chunky hamster treats until forcibly removed. Life's hard being a hamster on Planet Mad.

Am in a philosophical mood today: have spent most of the time thinking about teaching, cogitating over its intricacies and complexities. You need to be able to explain a concept coherently, whilst planning your next sentence/exposition and wondering how to best draw it all on the board (spelling it right at the same time) and check that your pupils are keeping up and understand, whilst also keeping an eye on Myles and Simon, who you know are pulling faces at each other. Sometimes it's no surprise that my brain hurts :-) Still, a colleague watched one of my lessons today and he had nothing but positive comments to make about my teaching, so I have a happy glowy feeling at the moment. I love my job.

Today's...
Highlight: discovering the new issue of Private Eye in the staffroom this morning.
Hamster activity level: quite high - no manic running round cage or in wheel, but some wobbling up and down ladders in search of food.
Deliveries: one from Amazon.co.uk... woo-hoo!! Turn the volume on that stereo up!!

I would like one of these auras, so if anyone knows where to get one please let me know! Ta!!

Fatso the hamster is very quiet of late. I hope he has not snuffed it. To make up for this lack of action on the hamster front I am investigating hamster sites on the web. This is an entertaining tale of a woman, her man and her male hamster. And her hamster's babies. Ah. Funny, yet heart-warming. Blimey - I could be a person who write taglines for movies! I bet there wouldn't be anywhere near as much preparation and marking in that job either...!!?!

Had my first official engagement as Guide Distict Commissioner this evening (yawn, yawn and more yawn), which was - as you may have guessed! - slightly on the tedious side! Afterwards I mooched to the Legion for a quiet pint, and ended up talking to a man with a licence to kill. Immediate thought: "This man is James Bond!" I then learnt that it was a licence to kill cows, sheep, and so on, which is somewhat less exciting than I initially thought. He even showed me his licence card. I should have realised that people who are exciting do not tend to frequent British Legion clubs... I will not make this mistake again.

We drove through some very wet air (pedants may choose to call it rain, I suppose!) on the way to Trent College to play netball. Luckily, the sun came out as we arrived in Nottingham, and my team played like angels. Actually - I retract that: there were no wings, harps or fluffy clouds in evidence, but they did play a pretty impressive game. Final result: 28-28 and one happy umpire! Had better go and lie down for a bit to recover from the excitement!! :-)

Am in Space Cadet mode, and have been all day. Not sure if it's due to lack of sleep or because I've caught the nasty bug that's wiping out the girls in the House. Personally, I hope it's the former, although the latter would at least give me an excuse to spend a day in bed! Highlight of the day: evening shopping at Tesco - I couldn't recall what I went out to buy, so wandered the aisles trying to remember... a monster bag of wood shaving and five kitchen utensils later I realised that it was Ribena and a copy of Private Eye that I was after. Ho hum.

Been at cinema with a school trip (90+ kids on two coaches... now that's my IDEAL way of spending a Sunday evening!!) However, I saw the excellent Chicago - maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but I thought it was great. We did Chicago when I was at college in Durham and fell in love with it then; I've since seen it on stage in London, and now it's out on a big screen near you! Definitely a soundtrack to add to my wishlist!! :-) Sadly now though, I've got marking marking and more marking to do, so I'd better get going. G'night!

Here you will find photographic evidence of my tartan rug/blue suede docs combintation, as worn to the wedding of K and Pete. Rather fetching, huh?! We only look so presentable becuase we hadn't really drunk very much... I'm sure that unofficial pictures from later in the evening will show us looking far less composed and respectable!! ;-)

YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!! I work with the coolest people - there aren't many that you can phone at 7.00pm to suggest a night out, and by 8pm be on the road to the Big Bad City!! Bloody great!! Have had - as you might be able to tell - a top night out in Nottingham, and got home to find a nice text from the lovely Chris: I am a happy (drunk-ish) bunny!! Perhaps it's time I went to bed... G'night!!

Have found someone. Better go and have a shower then!

It's NOT fair. It's Saturday night and I want to go OUT, I want to havea good dance, and I have NO one to go with. Harrumph.

Tonight I received the bag that contains the paperwork, files, manuals and useless tat associated with being a Guide District Commissioner. I daren't open it tonight, for fear that I will be sucked into another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind...my next stop...The Twilight Zone (no nee no nooo, no nee no noooo) Time for bed, said Zebbedee (The only man with a coil fitted!!)

It's Friday afternoon, and while most people are leaving their place of work joyful in the knowledge that they have two whole days off, I am stuck knowing that I have to teach tomorrow. I know that we get holiday days in lieu, but as my next holiday is still 8 weeks away it doesn't make me feel any better right now. Oh dear - I appear to have turned into a whinging cow....I do alopogise! Instead, here is an exciting joke I heard in the pub yesterday:
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A - you can't wash your hands in a buffalo!!

Another late night. Youch. Must stop drinking and being dragged (kicking and screaming) into The Red Lion, which is Repton's finest hostelry. Apart from the British Legion, of course, which has a much bigger snooker table: an important consideration on Planet Mad.

Junior Inter-house netball: A team - first; B team - last.
This pretty much reflects today: had a lie-in - good; taught some educationally sound lessons - good; played lego - very good; stood on sidelines watching aforementioned netball in freezing conditions - bad; mounds of marking still to be done - very bad. Swings and roundabouts.

Update on this evening's activities on Planet Mad:
Washing: 6 loads
Tidying up: token effort
Hamster: happily munching away
Marking: zilch. Ooops.

A reader writes, via the medium of txt msg:
"Ur blog is showing worrying signs of u becoming 1. an alcoholic and 2. getting more insane than u were previously. R u okay?"

The answer to this question has to be yes, although my liver doesn't agree with me. My therapist is also showing signs of concern. I'm off to feed the hamster.

The nap was good, but lasted until 3.30pm, so by the time I'd got my arse back out of bed it was time to go and teach again :-( This means that I still have piles worth of marking to do, along with the mountain of washing and the acres of tidying-up...I know what I'm doing tonight!! ;-)

Oh yes - here you will find a picture of removing wine stains from a dress that is being worn. Needless to say, it was New Year's Eve, and I had been drinking sherry, wine and port. Better get that call to the AA sorted now!!

The Early Start option won my vote, so at 6.30 this morning I was busy photocopying exam papers. I felt great at the time, but now I'm about to fall asleep and there are still 3 lessons and lunch to go before I can have a nap. Yawn!!

Have had a barmy day - teaching this morning, then zoomed over to Bromsgrove School to play netball (well - to support my team) and we won 12-10, in a very close and exciting match. This was even more satisfying as this time last year we lost to Bromsgrove by a considerable amount. Ha ha!! From there, I then pootled to Merry Hill shopping centre in search of a winter coat. Didn't find a coat, but acquired new boots and some shower gel. A brief visit to see my parents' kittens (about 4 weeks old: now big enough to climb out of the box and fight each other) then off to the centre of Birmingham for a curry with SAGGA. Very enjoyable, but I've failed to do any marking, and I've not yet written the exam that the A Block are due to sit tomorrow. Hmm - might by a late one. Or perhaps an early start. Sigh.

Been playing snooker at the British Legion (my "get away from school" haunt) and managed to pot the pink with my eyes shut (literally) and played 2 black-ball games, and one pink-ball game. Not bad for one who quite happily admites to being crap!! :-) However, am too drunk to type (result of beer being £1.65 a pint) so will stop here. G'night.

My netball technique this afternoon was described as "rugby". On reflection, I do not feel that this is completely unjustified, as I a) slightly bent (ahem) the no-contact rule; and b) have played rugby more recently than I played netball (I played rugby twice at university, but was then frightened by the size of some of the forwards, so retired gracefully to the drinking games section of the Students' Union, whereas I was kicked out of the school netball team at the age of 9 because I was too vicious. 'Nuff said!!) However, 45 minutes of running round like a complete psycho means that I am wheezing like Darth Vader. It's at times like this that I consider getting fit, but then reality re-asserts itself, and I realise that fitness involves running, pain, injury, and - in extreme cases - lycra. I think not! Guess I'm just destined to be a slob!! :-)

Have eaten only some chocolate and an apple today. Am most upset, because spent most of this afternoon planning this evening's meal (bacon, fried egg, mashed swede...and anything else left in the cupboard) but I forgot to cook it, and now it's too late. Pah. Damn the internet and its abilty to absorb numerous hours of the weekend.

However, I did find this (courtesy of the SDMB) - Lord of the Rings in the style of the Rev. Spooner:

Balbo Biggins was hitting in his souse and poking a smipe. He was laughing over the wonderful ploke he had jade -- a marvelous pisadearring act.

Suddenly the boor durst open. Standing there was a tall figure, Grandalf the Gay. He was a wait grizard who could spast kells and fagic mormulas.

“You’re a had Bobbit,” said Grandalf the Gay.

“Don’t get your bickers in a nunch,” said Balbo, burrowing his frau. “Ruts wong?”

“Oh, puh-leeeze,” said Grandalf the Gay. “As I’ve suspected all along, you must pee in bossession of the Run Wing.”

“The Run Wing!” exclaimed Balbo. “You’ve been smoking too much wipe peed.”

“Nay, it is that very ring that was taken from the lark dord Sauron in a bitched pattle.”

“Did you come to rake my ting?” Balbo stammered.

“No, I tare not dutch it. It is arvil inkeynate! But we have to keep it from the lark dord Sauron.”

“Sauron? But I though he dit the bust.”

“No, he lives on as an isembodied dye. Now you must rake the ting and throw it into the Dacks of Croom.”

“Me? Take it to the Dacks of Croom? Helll-loooo, Grandalf. It’s me, Balbo Biggins. I’m a Hobbit, remember? Short, rotund, retiring. Fairy heat.”

“Even so, the ring thrust be moan into the Dacks of Croom.”

“And I’m supposed to do it? What about all those ucking Forcs out there? Not to ention the Ments.”

“I don’t know, maybe we could get up some kind of a Fellowship or something. Get companions for you. How about Dimli the Gwarf? He has great bowress in prattle.”

...

Bodo Fraggins looked with disgust on his companions, Perry and Mippen ...

Sophie's "Word of the Day" challenge is now sorted - thanks to Wordsmith.org, whom I discovered via Pete's blog. I even managed to get the link into my template without losing anything important. Why do I have to be drunk to work computers accurately?! :-)

Hum. Archives. Found 'em. Wine is my friend.

Oh dear - I've lost all my archives, just by trying to alter the settings, and there's no warning that this would happen. Not, you understand, that this is a great disaster that spells certain doom to humanity, but it is slightly upsetting. Harrumph. Shall go and fret for a bit.

Have been accosted by a girl from Wednesday morning's sex group and told that I should institute a "word of the day"...I'm going to have to find a website that'll do it for me - any ideas? I'm sure someone's got one on their blog. Hmmm - will have to go searching! On a more exciting note, we won the net ball this afternoon, whooping the opponents' arses a massive 43-5. Hurrah!! :-)

Have been at Guides. How can four girls make so much noise? Have lost the will to live. Am going to lie down in a darkened room and think about break-even charts, which is tomorrow's exciting topic for my year 10s. I can guarantee that they will also have lost the will to live by the time I've finished with them! Mua-ha-ha!!

Even an afternoon spent traipsing round the bustling metropolis that is Burton on Trent has not satisfied my desire for excitement, so I'm off to my classroom for a bit of late-night photocopying. Gosh - my life is sooo thrilling. Just hold me back.

Unbelievable.

Lazy Thursdays - how I love 'em! Admittedly, the two lessons I had to teach (economic growth and time-based management - yawn!) were a bit of an interruption to my leisure, but it's not been a bad day so far. I might even venture out into the big bad world of Burton upon Trent this afternoon. On the other hand, I could just have another nap. Hmmm: difficult decisions of our time!! :-)

This afternoon wasn't too bad really... the actors excelled themselves, and the discussions went well, despite the presence of both boys and girls. Entertaining question of the day: "Why do they make flavoured condoms?" :-) Have been on duty this evening, which means I'm lagging behind on my sleep-schedule for the day: this is the first day since the start of term that I haven't had a nap at some point. At least I have the luxury of a lie-in tomorrow, as I have periods 1 and 2 free. Really, I ought to get up and do some work, but if my work-rate is anything like this afternoon's, then I'll achieve nothing and will be better off in bed. At least - that's how I'm justifying it to myself!! :-)

PS - Mark is skiing in Austria, and reckons it's -10 Celcius out there... makes the weather here look positively balmy!!

Well - three days (two and a half, to be pedantic!) of school done. I'm absolutely exhausted - the routine of early morning starts is killing me!! I slept for 2 hours last night before getting up and going to the pub. I'm obviously too old for this life!! On the other hand, I've been doing sex education with the first years (year 9) for a lot of today, and have designated willy to be the word of the day!! We started off with dirty words and what they actually mean (a bit of an eye-opener for some!) and progressed to girls' bits and boys' bits, and then onto relationships and crushes. It was all good fun, although I'm probably responsible for some of them now thinking that sex is summat to do with dodgy hand actions (a demonstration of why the clitoris brings pleasure, no less!!) Surreal, but they seemed to enjoy it and find it useful. This afternoon is roleplay (with the help of the GCSE and A level Theatre Studies group) which will be in mixed groups, rather than this morning's single-sex arrangement... potentially more trouble this afternoon... I'm not looking forward to it so much :-/

Another exciting thought - it's finally got warm enough to snow. Big sheep-sized flakes are falling from the sky as I sit and type...I only hope it sticks!! Hurrah for winter!!!!!!!! :-)

Have been out enjoying my last day of freedom by walking in the snow! :-) To be fair, there's not actually any snow in Repton, but I went to Wetton, in the White Peak area (between Ashbourne and Leek) and had a yomp-ette there. It was quite spooky, actually, because upon arriving in Wetton I discovered a pub that I visited this time last year but had forgotten the name of.... I managed to repeat the visit experience today, and had stilton, broccoli and celery soup...very yummy!! (and a pint of Black Sheep Special... which is always good!) I've got loads of preparation work to do before Monday, but I'm trying to resist doing anything today. I might head off to the cinema later on, provided I can decide what to watch, that is!!

You know the wedding I went to a couple of weeks back...? Well - I'm famous here! Have been tempted to write back and let him know that I was the one wearing the rug, but that might cause more confusion than it's worth!! :-)

Have just got in from New Year, spent in a camping barn in Hathersage (Peak District) along with random people from DUSAGG and DOGs. Good fun was had by all, and highlights of the weekend (Sunday to Thursday to be pedantic!) were:- cooking the best sticky-toffee pudding in the world ever; a huge meal, complete with black tie and an evil alocholic punch, on New Year's Eve; and lying in bed on New Year's Day watching some of the nutters... erm, I mean... boys get back into their dress shirts and bow ties to go walking up Kinder Scout. We spent all day hoping that Mountain Rescue wouldn't pick them up for being still drunk from the night before!! I also managed to set fire to the kitchen, which wasn't the cleverest thing to do because I then had to spend all morning cleaning up dry powder from the fire extinguisher. Mymother was obviously right when she warned me that kitchens and I don't mix!! At least the powder didn't get in the scrambled eggs!! Given the number of digital comeras on site, I wouldn't be surprised if there are pictures on the web before too long. Watch this space!! :-)